I'm afraid to go to bed.

It's not like I fear lions and tigers under my bed. I just dread the end of day when I have to go to bed.

Maybe it's because I don't sleep well, so often. Sometimes I fall asleep quite fast and get into a deep sleep, awakening after four or five hours, not being able to significantly add to that before I get up in the morning. On other occasions I get into bed, feeling quite exhausted, only to find myself wide awake and worrying like mad, unable to stop myself. The only remedy to that seems to be to get up and start doing something to push away those thoughts. I guess it is the fear of this happening, which I dread when going to bed.

Today I had a pretty bad day. Yesterday was a pretty busy day. One in which I asked myself several times whether to continue doing what I was doing, or getting on to the next thing. After a full day I came home and still wanted to do things; keep on going.

But today started with a hint of headache, which developed into a migraine. Or so I thought. First I tried to relax. But I'm no good at meditation or relaxation (yet), so I decided to take a stroll outside to clear my head. Never actually clearing my head, the ache was right where I left it when I got back. Migraine medication didn't seem to help. So I took two paracetamol with caffeine, and after some time I my head didn't feel as bad. Only now my neck started to lock up. So much tension, so much physical stress, that my body simply refused to give in to whatever I thought of to make myself more comfortable. For what?

My therapist sent me a link to a video on YouTube. It's an animation about a bus driver who gets his thoughts as passengers and drives around, finally giving in to his dream. This was not a sensible thing to do on the part of the therapist, I think. First of all: I pride myself on knowing a little about making video's, and about acting as well. Though no expert in the field of animation, this looked pretty amateuristic, and the voice acting was pretty poor as well. Please, when you want to make a point: use quality material, why don't you.

What it did was, it made me feel cheap and stupid. I know I've just started my Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and am expected to be reminded of its goal and premises regularly. But this was like telling the winner of the Tour the France that for a bike you need two wheels. Of course you can build a bike with one wheel, or with three or more. But this does not mean you have to state the obvious.

I really hate it when people keep telling me what's wrong, but not giving me the definitive answer on how to solve it. And that's what is happening here, I fear. I am afraid of getting told time and again I'm doing something essential wrong, what the reward will be for doing it right, but not making clear how to accomplish this.

Every night I'm on this great, big ocean liner, sailing towards the promised land. And just before it's time to go to bed, the captain's voice reverberates through the ship, telling me that we've hit an iceberg and are going to sink, unless we do something. Doing something will get us to the promised land. He knows that getting to the lifeboats is not the way to do it. What is the right way to reach the envied destination is, however, not divulged. And with a sadistic silence I am left to my own devices, inapt as they are.

My choices are: not going to bed and drown. Or: going to bed, and drown. See how peaceful you are with a choice like that.

I just started ACT, my ticket to the promised land. But all I get is warnings and a sign which says "hallelujah trail", yet no navigation as to how to get there.

So yes, I'm scared. I don't want to drown, so I don't want to go to bed. Better to stay awake and have a fighting chance, than to just lay down my head and die. But how can I be sure about anything, when I'm told that trying to find any solution is potentially disastrous?