Arthur in reverse

The movie Arthur is about a man who behaves like a spoiled boy, but learns to grow up and take his place in society. I have the feeling the psychologist just told me to be like him......in reverse!

My whole life, I feel, I've been working towards "when I grow up", and what I was supposed to be then, or wanted to be. Now I am told that all the dreams, desires, in fact all the work towards becoming this upstanding citizen who earns his place in scoiety, have been invein. I need to let go of it; effectively regressing into the boy who's just loved for being him.

That is a major step, and it doesn't feel like one forward. But when I got explained that I am narcisistic in believing I can still become something I'm not at this moment, have a job, be like other people, and I need to let go of the idea that I can earn my keep, that is what I heard. Or am I misunderstanding it again?

Be content. That is the ticket. Not think about what could be, what I still could do, how I can better myself. And sitting in my little inflatable spa, in the small garden we have that needs so much work but isn't getting it (as applies to me), it suddenly hit me. I need to regress into being the boy again. Enjoy life as a boy. Like Arthur: "Aren't waiters wonderful? You ask them for things and they bring them." I got that feeling today. Several times this week, actually. I order stuff through the internet, and they bring it to my doorstep. The groceries into the kitchen even. Wonderful. Especially the guy who did the latter. He was bright and cheerful about it. Made me feel a bit like the boy who's getting a present.

I must admit I am susceptable to this feeling. It seems to be not such a leap for me. Arthur is already lurking in there. I guess that's for being autistic. And that's the point. I need to become content being autistic, and what that means in my life, for the rest of my life. Says the psychologist. Remove the discrepancy in my life between what I think I should be or want to be, and what I am right now.

It takes me back to another quote from a movie. It's from Wargames, by John Badham. I wrote it in my diary, a long time ago, as an adage to live by. I couldn't then, really, having a job and trying to keep up with society. Now it seems to be the essence of what the psychologist told me. "The only winning move is not to play." I have to stop trying to play the game of being a grown up. I am not, it seems, being autistic. I lack the capability of functioning socially, which is what seperates the boys from the men. So stuff it, don't try to play that game at all. Just sit back and relax.

And that is something that I find hardest to do of all, and have found so for almost my entire life up to now: relax and be content. How the hell do I learn to do that? Just be the spoiled brat. Be..."the force"?