Being nice
In my youth I have often heard people — especially women – call me "such a nice boy". When you're an adolescent, that's not the reaction you want. You don't want to be labeled "nice" by mothers of girls you would like to have sex with.
Apart from that, even my mother said to a friend of hers that I was too nice. Meaning that I could be more courteous to people than they would be towards me.
I believed the adage that one's freedom ends where someone else's begins. But the reason why I tried not to infringe on the freedom of other people to do as they liked, was not so much this freedom principle. It was actually fear of being rejected.
Being autistic it has always been, and still is, very hard to figure people out.
To know what they think is appropriate behavior in any circumstance. And so, in order for me not to fall into disgrace or be rejected, I go by the rule that I should always guard this freedom of others. Even if it infringes on my own. So much so, that before I get into an argument with someone, I will already have tried to resolve any disagreement by weighing the pros and cons of arguments for both sides and come up with a compromise. Of course, when you start negotiations of any kind with a compromise, you will most likely have to compromise still further since the other party will guard your position as only yours, not a compromise between yours and his.
With the possible exception of lines at the cash register in the supermarket, I will try to behave in a way I think the people want me to behave. This goes for job interviews, but also for parties, playing sports, queuing for a buffet, or taking a seat at the theater. Where sports are concerned, I got told just the other day that I needn't worry about the playing time of other members, but take all the time I want when I'm up for my shot. This requires an effort on my part. Because I have accustomed myself not to do that. For fear of misinterpreting the unwritten rules of human engagement, and consequently being rejected.
When non autistic people are "too nice" they can take an assertiveness course
where they learn to take a stand for their own interests. Such a course did not do much for me. Because by being assertive I opened myself up for a multitude of misreadings of the unwritten, but widely assumed known, rules of human interaction. So back to being too nice it was for me after the course.
Just as I need to be told what people expect from me, I need to be told when not to bow to those wishes. Or when I have a choice in the matter that will not get me in hot water. But that's autism for you. Every social interaction needs subtitles. Even the ones that seem to predominantly concern myself.