Excuses

I found that as soon as I felt that I had a say in what I was supposed to be doing, I made excuses in order not to have to do it. And I'm not talking about taking the garbage out,  drying the dishes or cleaning up my room. I'm talking about going to social events and other places where lots of people can be expected.

Just the other day; it was Open Monuments Day. Lots of historic locations were open to the public, often with special exhibits or the chance to see something you might normally not get to see. And I do like that. So when I read about it, I thought — as I invariably always do — this is something I had to do. But when it became time to actually go and do this, I found myself making excuses again. My back hurts, I'm busy with something I better finish, it's raining or it will be...whatever. Just because I really don't like walking in a group of people. Having to fend for attention of some volunteer who can answer questions I have, and for a place near the guide so I can hear everything he says, or for the best place to take that picture.

I once made a trip down New Zealand. It was winter time (summer here) and the  number of tourists was low, in some places even zero. Often I would get to a place of interest and hardly find anybody there. This I loves. And though the weather left something to be desired — I actually got depressed sometimes because of ongoing rain and cold — I had a great time seeing the sites. Not to be bothered, taking my own time; just my cup of tea.

Back at home this feeling of setting my own pace soon vanished. I step on the brakes for almost everything. Any appointment — I frequently postpone or even cancel them — and many social visits. I cannot get out of all of them. Some birthdays for example I have to attend, or my wife will get very cross with me. But otherwise I frantically search for an excuse not to have to come, just to avoid getting in contact with more than one person.

I hate it. I cancel appointments I made myself, and I made them because at the time it seems like a good idea and something I'd like to do. But when reality catches up with me — or maybe it's just the fear of it —I back down.

This takes me back to my college years. Weekends I would mainly spend in my room, keeping myself busy with all sorts of things and only leaving for unavoidable shopping.

It may sound silly, but sometimes I think back to those years with a hint of nostalgia. I know I was depressed, I know I longed for a chance to get layed. Living with a wife does have its advantages. But even this is too much of a good thing, sometimes. I just haven't learned yet how to make excuses to avoid her.