uneasy

Today I have this uneasy feeling. Not like when I've had a rough or rotten day, when things didn't go as I wanted. Chores I undertook which didn't pan out the way I needed. Or a social situation that went completely pear shaped. No, a feeling like I should have done something, but didn't for lack of knowing what that something should be.

I don't know how to handle such days. Well, I don't know how to handle a lot of days, but this is complicated. It's not like I clearly feel I want to be comforted, or hugged or something like that. I feel like I must do something, fill at least part of the day with action, but haven't a clue as to what action that should be.

What to do on such a day? Who to call? That's what a non-autistic person might do: call a friend. Can't do that; what friend? I could try talking to my wife. But actually she bothers me while I'm trying to watch a movie. So there's no clear profit in that approach either.

In my single years I managed to collect some thousand films on vhs, taped from tv. Films I either knew already, or thought I might like to keep. In the hayday of my collection I bought vhs tapes by the box, several times a year.

Whenever I felt uneasy about myself, I would take the notebook in which I had written down what I'd taped, and look for that one movie that could make me feel like I wanted to feel. Most of the time I could find one. I'd put it on, shut out the rest of the world, and feel a lot better afterwards.

The problem I have now, is that I can't shut out the rest of the world as effective as I'd like. There's my wife, for instance. Also I am more likely to be called on the phone, since I keep trying to interact with the outside world. These distractions are a major hindrence to shutting out the rest of the world. Just knowing of the possibility of such a disturbance, of the presence of my wife somewhere in the house, makes it harder to let myself be fully enwrapped in the movie.

Lately I've come to question the therapeutic value of gettig rid of these tapes. I thought it would be a leap forward when I could finally say goodbye to this collection of artificial feelings. I honestly thought about doing away with it altogether. Now I'm not so sure anymore. Am I really in a position to function without it? I still can't get to sleep quite often without listening to the same recording over and over. Same thing. I need the reassurance of predictability to get into a somewhat relaxed state of mind. something which is becoming more and more scarce these years. So the need for this film pool is actually increasing, apart from the use I'm making of it.

In fact: I am starting to ask myself - again - what's the use of trying to have a social life altogether. What does it bring me but heartache, stress and disappointment? Much better to flee into the make believe world of movies where the social aspect will never let me down because I already know how it is going to develop. I feel really wonderful after experiencing a social event that went exactly as I anticipated, in a positive manor. But these occurrances seem to be getting more and more rare. So why try anymore? Why not just shut out the imperfect world and concentrate instead on the perfectly predictable world in movies?

I'm having more and more trouble to answer that question. And that makes me uneasy all over again.